Un-proud

— on a difficult road

It feels bad to not be able to provide my dad with something he can be proud of.

I’ve already wasted too much of my life trying to please him, getting good grades, keeping my back straight, going to a competitive school and working at an office of a large company. It’s lead to a complete dead end.

Not only is it not satisfying for me, but it’s also never going to be enough for him.

My father lives in Taipei.

“The guy on who lives on the 8th floor. He saw that I’m raising my kids in the US so he decided to send one kid to the UK and another to the US. When his children come back here they’re always asking what my kids do. In Asia, the culture is that if your children aren’t successful, it’s because of the parents.”

“My brothers and sisters are always telling me how their children are doing so well. I don’t have much to say about mine.”

These stories are repeated each time I call.

It’s much easier to work senselessly hard for ‘success’ to happen than to let these sad, disappointing feelings be.

Slowly, I’m getting more and more used to being a disappointment. But it still feels bad.

BTW, Happy 420! I’m not sure how big of a holiday it’ll be because everyday is 420 in the state of Washington.

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