Turning Point

— how did we get here?

I’ve been writing to show off. Didn’t realize but recently, when there were no striking points to be made, I became miserable.

My posts proclaim ideas I’m confident about. It’s misguided to make conclusions from a limited perspective, but I had the audacity to make them. Now, I feel disingenuous writing any idea I ‘figured out’. Tying up experiences into tidy clear points seems so absurd.

I miss having the righteous confidence I possessed. It always came with a rush of energy. I wasn’t right, I just felt right. Unable to tell the difference, I shared only ideas I was confident about.

But most of life is spent not being clear what is happening. The more I celebrated using rationale to develop ideas, the less I appreciated being a mixed ball of confusion, which is what I am most of the time.

Self loathing developed since I was only proud to appear on this blog when I felt confident. All those others moments when I didn’t feel sure–I couldn’t show up and write.

Luckily, my favorite stories provide direction.

There are great books and movies where the meaning is ambiguous. ‘What were they trying to say?!’ These narratives allow audiences freedom to interpret ‘what the point is’. One of my favorites is Hemingway’s A Moveable Feast. The story is revealed slowly, more natural, less direct. The book never demands the reader to follow along closely or arrive at a particular point. Stories like this reflect the organic quality of life in how experiences cannot easily be reduced to tangible elements that we can talk about or name.

The writing process should be similar. The story should reveal itself as I write. I shouldn’t begin writing with a point in mind and end up with the same point. Why do I need someone else to see things precisely as I see it anyway?

Instead of noting my proudest moments, I hope to show up in a wider range of states, particularly when things are not clear and especially when things are the least well.

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