The Horror

— Is it human to want to play god?

I watched Apocalypse Now Redux this weekend and was surprisingly transformed.

The movie is quintessential Hollywood: guns, boobs and explosions. But the theme of 'playing god' and having ultimate control is something that got to me.

Like most humans, I grew up wanting to be rich one day. I wanted to be able to afford everything I wanted, but also, I wanted to provide my family with more than what they needed. They deserve it, right? MY family deserves it. I cannot be NOT right in thinking so. Right?

Luckily everyone in my family has what they need. Whether they have what they want is a different story. Instead of money I think my sister would prefer to have a career with steady advancement, a way to make her own money doing work that is meaningful to her. My mom would prefer to have companionship since she often feels lonely. I've always imagined that I could alleviate problems by getting rich. I want that power. I want them to be happy, not because of their choosing, but because I want them to be.

'My sister wouldn't need a better job if she had money. My mom wouldn't need a companion if she had better things.' My backwards thinking doesn't acknowledge that money isn't a solution in finding purpose nor does it resolve loneliness.

'I should just get to work, make a ton of money and support them later'...that was an excuse. I wouldn't have to provide day to day support by listening to how they feel. I didn't want to recognize my powerlessness in my inability to resolve their issues. I was doing my part by going for "the solution". MY solution would solve all problems and make them experience the world the way I want it. Happy.

It's scary to recognize the horror in me.

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