09 Oct '17 — Dark times seemed so light
My mom left home. She’s on vacation.
Before leaving, she instructed my brother to water her plants. When I got to the house, I saw her plants on the patio.
Too lazy to water, my brother let nature do the work. The pots were flooded with rain water. The plants weren’t healthy.
I was angry to find the plants wilting. I told my brother to wipe down the sides of the pots, now covered in soil from being outdoors, and clean off the leaves before bringing them in. Pine needles had fallen from the tree above.
“Does it really have to be now?”
He didn’t care.
I got angrier. ‘I can’t believe he’s so selfish.’
He reminded me of my twenties. I couldn’t do anything for anyone. I didn’t have a second to spare. All I wanted to do was what I felt like–all the time.
I don’t know for certain what’s going on from my brother’s side. He might have an undiscovered disease that requires him to play video games all day and disregard anyone else. I projected my experience of selfishness onto him.
Then I remembered how terrible it was to go through that time of my life.
All I wanted to do was have fun. Instead of video games, I chased a rush that came with yoga, shopping, and going out. Everything I did was to make me better, healthier, advance my position among peers…it was impossible to consider helping someone without getting an enormous reward back.
That was a dark period of my life, but at the time, I didn’t know. I never wished to be in that state, but at the same time, I didn’t know better.
It sucks to be so misguided. For once I found compassion for the selfish me I’ve loathed for the past few years.