Quintessentially Me

— Something I've deemed unconscionable

I started the day thinking I'd learn Java. Totally convinced it was a good idea, I went through lectures and examples on Coursera. Several years back, I spent a month or two learning Python. Even further back, in high school, I took classes on C++.

I often find myself inspired to learn computer programming. Each time, I'm overly optimistic. "Maybe this time I can learn programming..." I start on a book or online course and think it's just going to be like that from now on, I'll be this person who programs and knows how to make the computer work for me.

Although I find it enjoyable in the beginning, I quickly find myself disinterested. I always end up thinking 'oh maybe it's just not for me...'

This morning I was convinced I was sabotaging myself the previous times by saying it 'isn't for me'. When something is hard to learn, isn't it strangely coincidental that it's 'not for me'? Learning programming becomes an existential crisis--I'm betraying myself by doing something not 'me'.

Once I decide not to commit the sin, I find myself spending time scrolling through celebrity news and social media. Is it more 'me'? Well, it's definitely designed for addictive enjoyment that anyone can easily get into. If anything, it's for everyone, designed to feed on human weakness, our short attention span, the propensity to feel jealous and the desire for what's attractive and rich.

Maybe it's not so bad committing the sin.

So I dedicated myself to doing something that wasn't me. I did the exercises. Like all the times before, I found myself disinterested towards the end of the day.

In the evening I watched the trailer for Narcos Season 3. Then I found myself reading At the Devil's Table: The Untold Story of the Insider Who Brought Down the Cali Cartel.

It was hard to pull away from the book since the story is riveting. Then I was upset at myself. How does a person think they're on their way to becoming one thing in the morning only to find themselves in the evening, not caring the least? Why can't I operate more consistently?

Then I realized I couldn't be consistent even if I wanted to. How many days has the same situation occurred? There have been countless times where I woke up in the morning thinking I'll work towards a particular goal only to find myself on a different trajectory in the evening.

And that is quintessentially me.

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