30 Jun '18 — urges
Once a month, I entertain the idea of having kids. These moments coincide with my fertile window–I’ve been keeping track. I’m startled by how consistent it is every month, so much so, I’m seeing most of my thoughts as hormone driven.
On another day of the cycle, I’ll rearrange something: furniture in the living room, my desktop, or appliances in the kitchen. Something must undergo an overhaul. Like clockwork, these moments happen at the same time each month.
There is also a day where I make to-do lists. Today is a to-do list day.
As empowering as it is to come up with a to-do list and get a lot done, I soon realize it’s just my hormones. I’ll feel good about myself at the start of the day. ‘Oh I’m taking the initiative to improve myself…getting so much done! I should do more of this.’ Later in the day I’ll figure it out. ‘Oh, it’s just that time of the month.’ Just part of the drill, a time where I feel driven or when my will is strongest.
List making comes from an urge to prepare. ‘I’m going to need extra resources…’ I may not think I’ll have a family but the drive to procure resources (make more money, start a business) shows up.
Both boys and girls share the same urge to plan for the future–to get ahead of everyone else, to be significantly successful.
There’s much awareness about women’s desire for children and how much it’s driven by hormones, but there’s less awareness on how ambition and drive could also be driven by the same survival mechanisms.
While women’s urge to reproduce is often criticized, the urge to be ambitious, to conquer–is celebrated. Ambition is a symbol of how we humans can overcome and choose how we live, how we’re different than animals who are hostage to circumstances (hormones).
Work harder, build your future, start today, get things done. That drive provides a high that is intoxicating. I remember listening to inspirational speakers because they gave me that high–without requiring me to do any work.
But that high is just one of the many volatile emotions I go through in a month. Perhaps because I’m a woman, I’m able to observe intense drive as just another feeling, like the deep sadness I feel during PMS.
My drive to work hard, achieve more than others comes from the same drive to I have to reproduce. They’re spawned from animalistic me who wants to survive, procure resources.
Because of that, I don’t believe my drive to accomplish has anything to do with will, reason or choice.