12 Mar '18 — a meaningful way to procrastinate
As a modern woman, I had issues with sugar since I was young. ‘Should I have a slice of cake? It looks so good. Maybe I can.’
Just deciding to have dessert is a huge decision. And each time, I feel remorse for deciding to have something sweet.
‘Why did I have to do that?’ I can’t help but hate myself. ‘Why can’t I learn?’
The next day, I’ll go through the cycle again.
Yesterday, I understood for the first time, that this cycle occurs when I want to procrastinate.
In the afternoon the thought came up. ‘Oh, I’d like a piece of cake!’ The second thought was ‘Do you really have time to do this dance?’ I’ve never seen the situation like this.
‘Wouldn’t you rather do something else with your life?’
I don’t know what happened but the cake dilemma was no longer just a cake dilemma, but an awful way to get out of achieving everything I ever wanted.
I’ve had the cake dilemma for decades. In college, when I didn’t want to study for a test, I’d go through several cycles of dessert remorse each day. ‘I’m not going to have sweets ever…’ An hour goes by and someone shows up with brownies… ‘Ok, I’ll have a small slice.’ Often, the thought ‘why did I do that’ appears before the end of the first bite.
More recently, the dilemma revolves around moving. Having dessert and going through remorse was a way to procrastinate from packing.
The issues involved in each dessert are existentially pressing. ‘I shouldn’t care whether I get fat. I should feel free to do and look how I want. It’s my life.’ I find a way to reason that the dilemma was a great opportunity to build self esteem.
When I feel remorse, I tell myself ‘You’re not perfect. It’s okay. You do make the same mistakes over and over. But you have to be okay with who you are. Show some self love.’
Most surprisingly is finding that I have more dilemmas than just cake.
There are many scenarios that become ‘issues’. They’re all ways to procrastinate.
My parents want me to help out with my brother who doesn’t want to go to school. It’s not an issue that will directly help me achieve what’s important to me. I don’t blame them for ‘colonizing’ my life to achieve their life goal: a family with children that can survive more than well.
I want to learn how to consistently bake good bread. The amount of life (time, energy, thoughts) I’ve used on cake and family dilemmas–I could have been a master baker years ago. I could be making fresh bread daily!
I didn’t know there was a choice before, I thought all these scenarios, cake, family, school dilemmas, were just issues being thrown at me. Now seeing that my life now is based on where I placed my focus, I’m cautious about getting into dilemmas that aren’t mine.
Are there issues with the apartment we’re moving into? How do I rate the management? As much as it’s natural to think about it, if I want to do what I want in life, on this very topic–I shouldn’t care.