I Got Lost

— manufacturing reality vs living reality

There's always an element of aspiration when capturing life. Taking an image or video, I want the lighting to look right, the colors to pop, the mood to feel a certain way.

I'm involved in the manufacturing of reality. Making images a little more fantastic, I want others to take notice. It's not only made for others to notice, it's done in a style that I prefer--yes, that light looks nicer tinted, yes, that shade of yellow needs to be desaturated. I'm creating a version of life that is ideal.

The more I manufacture, the more I'm disconnected. From my own world. From reality.

I hadn't realized this, but my content tells me what I aspire for. I want to live a healthy life where I eat and cook delicious healthy meals at home. I want to do meditation and yoga regularly and live in a home that feels like a home.

These are the values I capture when I document my life. I select parts I appreciate and forget the rest. The few moments when I'm cooking, I got it on camera. Browsing my youtube channel, it seems like I'm always cooking. Unfortunately, these moments become less as I take time to document. While it may take little time to capture moments, it takes much more to present the same moments in easy-to-digest chunks.

Last week I lost myself. At first, I wasn't sure what was wrong. I was overwhelmed and dissatisfied. Perhaps I had watched too many youtube videos? Or maybe I listened to too many podcasts. There were so many thoughts swimming in my head... none of the thoughts came from me.

I've picked up a habit of tuning into others' realities. Listen to a podcast/video while doing something simple, I enjoy multitasking because it gives me the feeling that I'm not wasting time. The drawback is that I waste a lot of time thinking. I've become provoked in ways others' are provoked. I feel sad, elated, happy in context to others' beliefs. As I started to realize what was happening, I knew I had to intervene.

On Friday, I decided to take a break. I didn't go on social media, didn't visit youtube, didn't listen to words spewing out of any podcasts. Unexpectedly, I found myself cooking healthy meals, going for walks, doing yoga and meditation.

Only now, 48 hours later, I realized I'm living the life I aspired to live, the one I'd been manufacturing. During this weekend, there were so many moments where I didn't know how I was going to find myself again. I didn't know how long it'd take for me to get back to myself but I knew the only way was to stop everything I'd been doing.

I became more relaxed. My home unexpectedly felt more homey and I was in the mood to cook. There was no effort involved in cooking, yoga or meditation. These are activities I yearn to effortlessly do. Perhaps I had been out of energy. While I'd been documenting 'reality' so much, I didn't have time to live my own life. Surprisingly, my life happened to be the life I'd been trying to get close to, by manufacturing.



Christine Roland

Fantastically irregular ceramics


Butoh Beauty

I've never seen anything like this

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