Hoping for Better Weather

— A time of mental turmoil

I’ve been upset at myself.

‘Why can’t I focus on one thing and do it right?’

I’ve been cooking a lot more, I’ve started a few chapters of a programming book, I’ve made several videos…

Recently, I’ve felt an urge to be someone. ‘If I could chose just one thing and do only that for years, I’d get recognized for doing one thing and become…SOMEONE!’

It’s painful being in this state. Part of me knows it’s wrong to think this way yet another part desperately wants recognition.

I’ve started to process these emotions. The path towards recognition is a definite dead end, but it’s a mirage that constantly draws me in. It’s just me trying to live a life that’s more attractive, a life that is not mine.

The one thing I don’t want to do is the same thing day in and out. Particularly if it’s an activity done for the sake of recognition. Once you’re a recognized musician, you can’t do anything else but music if you want a certain level of recognition. If you’re not naturally inclined to make music, maintaining recognition can be a burden.

So what would I do with recognition? I would lose it. I don’t desire to maintain it if it requires repetitive chores. I’m not quite sure why I want it in the first place. Maybe I just have ‘the grass is greener’ syndrome.

My perspective on the world changes when I’m sick. I have been under the weather with some sort of cough. On top of trying to get enough rest, I’ve had to deal with a lot of mental turmoil.

“What would a successful person be doing with their time right now…” It’s terrible to see how cheap my thoughts get.

All I can do is sit tight, not act on any thoughts, get more rest and hope for better weather.

journal

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It's a responsibility

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