Finding My Way Back

— far from home


I’ve been working hard to get back to myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time dreaming of a reality I don’t have. A few weeks ago, I was thinking of getting a new camera. Last week, I was thinking of a dream house.

You can get into the habit of dreaming so much that you forget what it’s like to enjoy what you have. When you somehow find yourself getting something you’ve wanted, it can be hard to enjoy being too used to dreaming about what you don’t have.

That happened to me. Anytime I got something I wanted, I was off wanting something else.

No one ever talks about how it takes practice–and learning–to enjoy what you have. There’s so much out there that teaches us to want more and be more than what we have or are–it’s so easy to become accustomed to that behavior. There’s barely any info that lets us understand how to enjoy what we have or like who we are right now.

Inspiring quotes online instruct us to enjoy the present moment without any hint as to how.

I’ve gotten back to myself by doing more things I enjoy and avoiding activities I’ve done with the intention of getting a future result. It takes a lot of restraint from doing things that I feel will get me ahead. As I get back to myself, a lot of what I thought was urgent and necessary are no longer important. I’m finding my work to be more creative and original, it lacks the inadequacy I used to embody, the yearning for achievement and desire to be liked.

Now I understand how much work it takes to learn and become acquainted with enjoying what you have and loving what’s happening right now. If I go back to becoming accustomed to wanting things I don’t have, I become less accustomed to enjoying what I have. It’s a zero sum game. And unfortunately (because it’s a lot of responsibility), that’s a choice that’s totally made by me.



Dream Drama

more drama at night


Disproportionate Demands

pure freedom

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