Fear and Guilt
06 Mar '18 — scaredy-cats
You can only imagine how cruel another person is if you possessed the same cruelty inside.
If I was afraid someone wanted to cause me harm, I would have to be familiar with the hate or anger that entices a person’s to cause harm. If I didn’t have the ability to understand or imagine how anyone would intentionally harm, I couldn’t be afraid of bad intentions directed towards me.
Even if the ‘cruel intentioned’ person told me to my face. If I had no understanding of cruelty, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt.
‘Oh, they really needed to steal my wallet because they couldn’t get by.’
There would be no internal processing that the person was bad or that they intentionally singled me out. I just happened to be there, bad intentions don’t make any sense.
But I am not the person described. I do fear people’s intentions because I have it in me to cause others intentional harm. Sometimes from jealousy, or simply because I don’t like a person.
The cruelty I am afraid of receiving is reflective of what I’m capable of handing out.
When I talk to people and they reveal their fears, I’m alarmed how much they expose about themselves. The fears demonstrate the internal state.
My father believes my brother is intentionally lazy. I find it hard to believe anyone could be intentionally lazy. It’s hard to sit around and make yourself do absolutely nothing. My dad goes on and on about my brother’s laziness. ‘How is he so familiar? Is laziness a component of my dad’s life? Does it have something to do with him going out of his way to tell everyone how hard he works?’
My dad is also afraid my husband will take advantage of me. I’m a stay at home wife, economically dependent. ‘Has he taken advantage of my mom, also economically dependent, in a way that is scary to him?’
I’m usually not prepared for my parents to admit the guilt they have inside. The more they fear others, the more they reveal how eminent their cruelty is.
But it’s also hopeful. Apart of me sees that if they can forgive others for the cruelty they foresee, they can forgive the cruelty inside.
They’re too hard on themselves so they’re hard on others. How can I show compassion? The only thing I’ve been able to do is to listen, allow them to project their guilt into the outside world.