08 Mar '17 — So tangible yet it was imagined
'Breathe in. Breathe out.'
I've been anxious for my eye exam. Three months anxious. I don't normally use iCalender but I saved the appointment on my phone so I wouldn't forget. Every time I glanced at the search page of my phone the appointment would show up. I had a minor anxiety attack each time.
Why is it showing me that on my calendar? It's so far away. I was pissed at Apple.
Not understanding German makes visiting a new doctor stressful. The receptionist at the ophthalmologist barely spoke English when I made the appointment. Why am I scared? What am I expecting? I don't make the effort to learn.
I even slept poorly. There's a feeling that perhaps I don't deserve the things others do. Will I fail so bad that I won't get to see the doctor?
I googled the office and got a few Yelp results. I could see the first two sentences, then Yelp demands that I download the app--who uses Yelp? English speaking patients who visited years ago were happy with their visit. I've also never come across a single doctor in Germany who didn't know English.
No matter what I told myself I couldn't rationalize my way out. Once I realized, I relaxed. I stopped forcing deep breaths. The anxious energy was here to stay until my visit.
Half hour before, I marveled at the instability within me. The anxiety was so strong yet at the same time, I knew it was temporary. I felt like I was examining a mirage.
The second I opened the door to the doctor's office the energy disappeared. As if it no sort of fear ever happened, I was confident in communicating in broken German. Without any intermission, I transformed into the opposite of the person I entered as.